Harry Potter and the Simpsons' Stone
by A. Troll
Summary: Hermione has a (temporary) rival? The Weasley twins have an aprentice? Bart & Lisa learnig magic? Yes! Join Bart, Lisa, Harry, Hermione, and Ron as they battle Voldemort in their first year! The Simpsons are going to Hogwarts!
1. Forward by The Author

FORWARD:  
  
This story was inspired by the Simpsons Tree House of Horror XII's vignette: Wiz Kids. During the story, you will find a few ways to visualize this Simpsons/HP crossover in your head:

1 All Simpsons characters are cartoons; all HP characters are live action.

2 All characters are cartoons. (Picture the golden trio as drawn by Matt Groening).

3 All characters are live action (Picture Bart and Lisa as real people (sometimes difficult when it comes to hair)).

4 A complex intertwining of animation and real life that is impossible to explain in the English language.  
  
I hope the preceding list will help guide you through the confusing images you may try to imagine what it looks like when Bart and Lisa meet Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  
I would also like to inform you that this story will begin in a script format and transition to a more HP style of writing in the first few chapters.  
  
Enjoy!-A. Troll


	2. Bart's Chalk Board Saying Couch Gag

For those Simpsons fanatics like myself, I have included a chalkboard saying and couch gag! 

* * *

BART'S CHALK BOARD SAYING:  
  
_I do not own the rights to Harry Potter or The Simpsons. I do not own the  
rights to Harry Potter or The Simpsons...Maybe someday...  
_  
COUCH GAG:  
  
The familiar pink couch (complete with Homer's groove) has five top hats turned upside down on it. One small, two medium, one large, and one extra-large. A magician comes and pulls Maggie out of the small hat, Bart and Lisa out of the medium hats, and Marge out of the large hat; he tries to pull Homer out of the extra-large hat, but Homer is to fat and his waist is  
stuck at the brim of the hat.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed that!


	3. Chapter 1: Ground Chops

Note: Some people that have not watched the Simpsons will not get some of the (sad excuses for) jokes, such as "Oh no! An anti-escape orb!" Also I don't own anything related to or including, but not limited to, the Simpsons or Harry Potter...YET! (If your a lawyer reading this, I'm just joking...(Muha ha ha ha!)

* * *

CHAPTER 1: GROUND CHOPS  
  
The scene opens with an establishing wide shot of a dog house-shaped building with a green house jutting from one side. A sign on the roof is shaped like snoopy laying on his back and reads: The Doghouse; For All Your Flower Needs! There is a school bus with Springfield Elementary School written on it.  
We see, inside the Doghouse, students from Ms. Hoover's second grade class looking around many flowering plants. However, they are slightly different because they are now in third grade.  
  
LISA: (to Principal Skinner) Don't you think it's kind of sad that our school is so destructive we've been banned from nearly every place in town except the flower shop and the Cat Lady's house?  
  
SKINNER: What are you talking about Lisa; The Doghouse is very educational and all of the students are behaving well!  
  
Lisa looks around at the scene of chaos that is ensuing. Kids are running around, knocking over things, grabbing flowers, poking employees (zit-faced teenagers wearing collars around their necks), and Ralph Wiggum is eating a large, purple plant from a vase marked: Keep out of reach of pets, poisonous. Lisa sighs.  
  
LISA: (to herself) I've got to get out of here!  
  
Someone in a dog costume walks up to her. Through the mouth, we can see he is Gil, an unsuccessful salesman.  
  
GIL: Gotta' get out...don't we all! Poor Gil's been kicked into the doghouse. Now the wolves are at old Gil's door... There's only one way out and old Gil can't make it! (He points to the door. An employee is shifting his eyes. Stealthily, he inches toward the door and is about to open it when...ZAP! He is shocked and smoke bellows from his collar. We see the manager walk towards him with a remote control.) No one can escape because of these blasted things. (points to the collar around his neck) Poor old Gil's stuck here forever! (Lisa backs away from Gil) Old Gil's stuck in the doghouse...w-wait now, don't leave old Gil here...alone... (looks down at the floor and walks away)  
  
LISA: OK, I can do this. Just walk out the door without a chaperone seeing you. No harm in that, it's not like I've got one of those collars on...  
  
SKINNER: (walks up from behind Lisa) Whoa, not so fast there! Before you go anywhere, you have to put on one of these nametags, courtesy the manager of The Doghouse! (he slips one of the collars over her head)  
  
LISA: (gasps, then looks around to see the other kids struggling to pull of collars that are several sizes too small for their necks, Ralph is scratching his with his leg like a dog) What? (tugs at the collar around her neck) Oh no; now I'll never get out!  
  
GIL: You could always keep old Gil company... (Lisa quickly walks away from him)...n-no! First my wife, then my lawyer, now you! Old Gil's gonna'... (continues indistinct)  
  
LISA: Maybe if I make a run for it, the manager won't be able to shock me in time!  
  
She breaks into a run towards the door. The manager, Skinner, and several teachers turn to look at her. In slow motion, Lisa grabs the doorknob. The manager brings his finger in position to press the remote. Skinner begins a slow "Nooooooooo...". Ralph is drinking the water from a vase. The manager presses the button and...ZAAPPP!!! The manager, not Lisa is shocked and the remote begins smoking. Lisa runs out the door.  
  
ZIT-FACED TEENAGE EMPLOYEE: Oh no she doesn't! If we can't get out, no one can! (flips a switch on the wall)  
  
As Lisa runs across the parking lot, a giant white bubble pushes its way out of the door.  
  
LISA: Oh no! An anti-escape orb!  
  
She trips on a crack in the asphalt and is now facing the imposing bubble. She closes her eyes and dreads what's coming. Suddenly, the bubble pops.  
  
LISA: Well that was... convenient.  
  
The employees, students, teachers, and Skinner run out and surround Lisa.  
  
SKINNER: Lisa, how could you! ...And we were doing so well... (turns to kids) I'm sorry children, but it looks like there'll be no more field trips this year.  
  
LISA: What about the Cat Lady's house?  
  
SKINNER: No, she won't let us back ever since a certain staff member ate one her cats... (looks at Groundskeeper Willie)  
  
WILLIE: What, why's everyone lookin' at Willie?  
  
SKINNER: ...Anyways, I think we should all go on to the bus now and sit quietly for the remaining few hours of the field trip.  
  
Everyone loads back onto the busses muttering things like, "Thanks a lot Lisa" and "Now where will we go Lisa?". 

RALPH: The flower I ate makes me see the leprechauns that tell me to burn things...  
  
NEXT SCENE  
  
We see the out side of Springfield Elementary School. The bus from The Doghouse is pulling in. The camera zooms in to a widow and we see Bart writing on the chalkboard.  
  
BART: Ah man, this will take forever.  
  
Puts down the chalk and looks up. "I will not use erasers as tools of mass destruction." is written a few dozen times. Jimbo Jones and Nelson Muntz, two school bullies, enter through the ajar door.  
  
JIMBO: Hey there Simpson, looks like someone's getin' tired!  
  
NELSON: Yeah, you look worse than my mom!  
  
BART: Guys, leave me alone.  
  
JIMBO: Oh, we'll leave you...up the flagpole!  
  
Bart dashes between them and out the door. They follow. The moment they leave the room, the chalk begins to write by itself!  
Meanwhile, in the hallway, Bart is being chased by Jimbo and Nelson. He slips on a puddle near a water fountain.  
  
NELSON: Ha h... (he stops looking horrified at Jimbo)  
  
The water fountain sends a jet of water at Jimbo and knocks him down. Both bullies run away screaming.  
  
BART: Well that was... cool!  
  
NEXT SCENE  
  
The camera shows the Simpson house as the bus drops Lisa and Bart off. Inside Homer is sitting at the table while Marge gets started on dinner.  
  
MARGE: Homer, what do you what for dinner? I've got pork chops and ground beef in the freezer.  
  
HOMER: Ohhhh, isn't there any way you can combine them in some sort of delicious ground chops? Mmm... ground chops...  
  
MARGE: Ground beef it is. (Bart and Lisa enter the kitchen) So, how was school?  
  
BART: You'll never believe what happened! I...  
  
HOMER: (enraged) You ate the last muffin!?!  
  
BART: No, I...  
  
Homer grabs Bart and begins to strangle him. Suddenly, a large, brown barn owl swoops in and drops off two letters before flying back out the window.  
  
MARGE: An owl? Lisa, you haven't been volunteering our house as an animal shelter again, have you?  
  
LISA: No Mom, I think it's some kind of delivery, like a carrier pigeon. (Picks up letters and reads out loud) 'Ms. L. Simpson, Evergreen Terrace, Springfield, USA, The Dinner Table'-This one's for me, and-'Mr. B. Simpson, Evergreen Terrace, Springfield, USA, Between Mr. H. Simpson's Strangling Hands'.  
  
HOMER: Wow, they're really on the ball! (lets go of Bart)  
  
BART: Let me see that.  
  
LISA: 'Dear Ms. Simpson,  
We are pleased to inform you that instead of receiving this letter two years from now, you have been promoted two grades. You will also not be going to an American academy, but to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (In England) due to your outstanding abilities in scholastics. Transportation has already been arranged to arrive tonight and take you to London. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment (available in Diagon Alley, London).  
Term begins on September 1. Yours sincerely, Minerva McGonagall Deputy Headmistress'.  
  
BART: 'Dear Mr. Simpson,  
I t has come to our attention that your are now of age, and abilities, of attending a wizarding academy; however, every school except one has refused to accept you due to past performances in a school environment. There for you will be attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in England, because we are the only school left that will accept you...' And then the rest of it's like Lisa's letter.  
  
LISA: This must be some sort of joke!  
  
GRANDPA: (jumping out from under the table) You'd think that, wouldn't you!  
  
HOMER: Hey, your supposed to be in the old folks home!  
  
GRANDPA: Make me! Anyways, Bart and Lisa are a wizard and a witch!  
  
MARGE: What makes you think that?  
  
GRANDPA: Well, for one, their Grandma was a witch.  
  
EVERYONE BUT GRANDPA: What?  
  
GRANDPA: It's true. Now that she's on the lamb, she told me to keep in touch with this. (he takes a small burlap bag from his pocket and throws it on the stove) Hippy House! (bright, emerald green flames shoot from the stove range and Grandma Simpson's head appears in the flames)  
  
GRANDMA: Hello Abe, is something wrong?  
  
GRANDPA: No the kids just got their Warthogs letters.  
  
GRANDMA: You mean Hogwarts, Abe.  
  
GRANDPA: Yeah, that's what I said, Warthogs  
  
GRANDMA: Of course you did, Abe. Are you saying both of them are going? I could've sworn they were two years apart!  
  
LISA: In my letter, it says I'm skipping two grades.  
  
GRANDMA: Oh, that's wonderful! Congratulations to you two! Well I've got to go; eye of newt doesn't pickle itself you know! Take care! (her head disappears, as do the flames)  
  
BART: But how can school begin if we've already been in school for a month?  
  
LISA: Springfield starts school early in anticipation of the annual teachers' strike.  
  
MARGE: Well I guess we better get packed to go to this 'Diagon Alley'.  
  
HOMER: The Simpsons are going Diagonally!

* * *

Well, that's the first chapter. It may not have seemed funny, but don't worry, it'll get good. The next chapter will also be written more like a storie than a script (the reason this chapter is like a script is so that the story will start off like a Simpsons episode, and change to a HP book). 


	4. Chapter 2: D'ohagon Alley

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Well, here's the next chapter; it's more HP style than like a script so it should be a better read than ch 1.

note: Sherri Bobbins is a parody on Marry Popins used in the Simpsons episode; _Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious_.

**

* * *

CHAPTER 2: D'OH-AGON ALLEY**  
  
As Lisa Simpson ran up the steps, skipping like the schoolgirl she was. Excitement and anticipation flooded her mind: a new school, a chance to start over, and make new friends; better yet, an entirely new branch of education to learn! She began hastily, but neatly, packing her suitcase and she wondered what must have been going through her brother's mind right now...

* * *

_I wonder what kind of pranks you can pull with magic_, thought Bart Simpson as he began randomly throwing possessions with Krusty the Klown logos on them into his suitcase.

* * *

"Bart, Lisa!" cried Marge from the foot of the stairs, "Hurry up, they're here!"  
Bart and Lisa dashed down the stairs to find, to their great surprise, a tall, balding man with red hair in black robes, and none other than Sherri Bobbins, who had formally worked as a singing nanny for the Simpson family. Both of them held a cluster of umbrellas under their right arms.  
"Arthur Weasly," said the balding man as he extended his left hand, "sent by the Ministry of Magic, European sector eight, United Kingdom, sub- quadrant fifteen."  
Homer cautiously shook hands with Mr. Weasly, eyeing him suspiciously, and said, "Er...nice dress..."  
"It's a robe." said Mr. Weasly.  
"Sure it is," said Homer, "and my kinds are magical."  
"Actually," started Mr. Weasly, "that's the whole reason I'm h-  
"Of course," Homer continued sarcastically before coughing, "_dress!"_ to Marge. "Hey, I know who you are," he pointed at Sherri, "you're Sherri Bobbins! Hey, you called us a bunch of apes when you flew of, _in song!_"  
"Glad to see you're already acquainted." Mr. Weasly said as he prevented Sherri from impaling Homer with one of her umbrellas, "But we've got to get moving if we want to reach London by eight, so come on out."  
The Simpson family filed out of the house and into the front yard, Homer narrowly avoiding Sherri's umbrellas.  
"Now," said Mr. Weasly, looking around, "we just need to find three more. Maybe you know them; I believe we're also supposed to take the Flanders?"  
"Flanders magic? asked Homer as he began to laugh, "Flanders' kids are wizards?"  
Lisa looked over to the Flanders' window. Inside Ned Flanders quickly shut the curtains.  
"Ah, said Mr. Weasly, "there they are!"  
He knocked on the Flanders' door and it opened a crack to reveal Ned's face.  
"I'm sorr-didily-orry but we don't support the dark arts: magic, card tricks, oriental cooking..."  
But before he could continue his list, the high-pitched voice of Rod echoed from inside and the door opened enough for them to see inside as Ned began to panic.  
"Daddy, it's happening again!"  
Rod and Todd Flanders, along with the Flanders' furniture, was flying around the room.  
"Oh no," cried Ned, "you over-stim-didily-im-ulated them! Now they'll start being unnatural again! DIE DEMONS!!!" He thrust a silver cross at Mr. Weasly.  
"OK, I guess Rod and Todd won't be coming this year..." said Mr. Weasly, ignoring the cross. "Well, if you change your mind..."  
"EAT HOLY WATER!" screamed Ned as he hurled water balloons at them.  
"How can you eat holy water?" asked Lisa as she dodged a watered filled projectile.  
"Um," said Mr. Weasly (the only one that had not known to get out of the way of the water balloons, undoubtedly fascinated by them) to Ned, drenched with water and shards of rubber, "I hate to disappoint you, but we're not in league with evil forces."  
"Just go!" said Ned, ducking a flying piece of china orbiting around Todd.  
Mr. Weasly set down three of the umbrellas at the doorstep, waved his wand and instantly dried off, then led the others a few yards away from the Flanders' house.  
"Now," said Sherri Bobbins, "each of you grab an umbrella and open it like so." She and Mr. Weasly handed them each a sleek, black umbrella and Sherri opened hers above her head. "Grasp it firmly and hold on to your luggage." And with that, she began to rise into the air.  
Homer, Marge (with Maggie), Bart, and Lisa opened their umbrellas and began to float upwards.  
"Wait," cried Grandpa from the ground they were moving farther away from with every second, "what about me..." but his voice trailed of as they rose higher and moved east, away from the nearly-setting sun.  
They passed the few hours of the trip in various ways; Lisa and Mr. Weasly got into an engaging conversation as they asked each other about their worlds, Mr. Wealsy fascinated by the computer, and Lisa captivated by wands; Bart listened closely to their conversation for any prank spells, and Marge began apologizing to Sherri for the way the family had treated her when she was their nanny as Homer tried to keep as far away from Sherri Bobbins as possible. In addition, Sherri also spontaneously burst into musical montages with them.  
At last they reached London, and their small fleet of umbrellas landed gently outside a small pub with a tarnished sign that read; The Leaky Cauldron.  
After folding the umbrellas and waving goodbye to Sherri Bobbins as she lifted into the air and away, they followed Mr. Weasly into the pub, which was full of strange, musky characters, and out a back door to a dead- end of red brick. Mr. Weasly took out his wand and tapped some bricks and before their eyes, the bricks dissolved to reveal a hidden street.  
"Diagon Alley," said Mr. Wealsy, beaming as he sniffed the many aromas wafting down the avenue, "the best place to get wizarding supplies! I've already taken my kids to get their back to school things, mostly second hand for Molly and I, but still good quality.  
"First stop, Gringots Bank." he said as he pointed to a large, marble building that overshadowed all the others, "I believe your Grandmother has an account for the children."  
They went through a large set of doors and down rows of counters manned by goblins, grotesque, humanoid creatures only three foot in height with long, gnarled fingers. They stopped in front of a counter and Mr. Weasly handed the goblin behind the desk a key, who then assigned them another goblin to take them to the vaults.  
After a long and nauseating ride through the mines, on a cart Homer got stuck in, which nobody enjoyed, the reached a vault labeled; 741. Inside was a small pile of gold, silver and bronze, which Mr. Weasly explained later, was wizarding money.  
With a small sack of money, they set out through the various shops and got their supplies until Lisa cried, "Oh no!"  
"What is it Lisa?" asked Marge.  
"The supply list," said Lisa, "it says we can bring a cat, owl, or toad! I forgot Snowball II at home!"  
"Wait a minute, I think I can solve that." said Homer as he pulled a disgruntled looking Snowball II out from behind his back.  
"Oh Snowball II," cried Lisa, "how did you ever get your feline self here?"  
"Well," said Homer, "if she was on me since we left, it would explain the sharp lower back pains I had when we were over the ocean." He turned around and they saw that his shirt was ripped in several places.  
"Hey," said Bart, pointing at the owl emporium, "can I get on of those?"  
After buying Bart a very sly looking eagle owl, the family became preoccupied when Homer began gorging himself at Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. Using this to his advantage, Bart slipped away towards a back street that had caught his eye; Knockturn Alley.  
When the chaos of Homer's inhalation of ice cream had ended, Bart had already returned, his purchase concealed in his pocket.  
Having retrieved the final item on the list, a wand, both Bart (12 5/8 inches, ash, dragon heartstring, solid) and Lisa (10¼ inches, yew, unicorn mane hair, strong but flexible) were feeling extremely excited about the magical education they would be receiving (well, in Bart's case, disrupting).  
"These," Mr. Weasly said as he handed Lisa and Bart two train tickets, "are your tickets to the Hogwarts Express. It leaves tomorrow morning at eleven from platform nine and three quarters. You'll be spending the night at the Leaky Cauldron. Good bye and good luck!" He than vanished with a sound like the crack of a whip.  
"I can't wait to go to Hogwarts!" exclaimed Lisa as they headed back to the pub, the stars visible in the night sky, "It will be so enlightening!"  
"You bet honey!" said Homer, "The Simpsons are going to Hogwarts!  
"Well, actually Dad," said Lisa, "just Bart and I are going."  
"D'oh!" shouted Homer.

* * *

I've already started chapter 3 if anyone's interested. 


	5. Chapter 3: A Whole Lotdidily of Time

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****

Sorry about the grammar mistakes in ch 2. Inaddition to HP and the Simpsons, I don't own Mary Poppins or Fox. Thanks to those who reviewed!

**

* * *

CHAPTER 3: A WHOLE LOT-DIDLY OF TIME**  
  
Bart Simpson, unlike his sister, did not stay up late that night reading _Hogwarts, A History_, nor did peruse the pages of various spell books. Instead, he was up late working on an interesting (to say the very least) parcel that would be delivered by his new owl, Fallout Boy.  
As he tied the package to the eagle owl's leg, he imagined the look of its recipient's face when he opened it.  
He opened the window of his room in the Leaky Cauldron, and sent Fallout Boy on his journey across the sea to Springfield.  
  
Most of the families with children attending Hogwarts got up at the crack of dawn to make the trek to King's Cross, the Simpsons were not among them.  
After being woken up several times by Lisa and Bart, Homer rolled out of bed and muttered something like, "...false Saturday morning..." before jumping off the floor and yelling, "Oh my God, we don't make it on time, we're stuck with kids until next year!" after Lisa had mentioned that the train leaves in four minutes.  
Throwing his family into the car, Homer, for a brief moment, thought what might happen, if he didn't get them to King's Cross on time:

* * *

He was sitting with an ice-cold Duff on the couch, watching _When Buildings Collapse_ on Fox when Bart and Lisa suddenly stepped between him and the TV.  
"Hello Father." they said monotonously to him.  
"Hey," he said, "aren't you supposed to be at school?"  
"We're not going to school. _You_ made us miss the train, and now you're stuck with us all year! Ha ha ha ha ha...  
"Welc-didily-elcome to my world!" said Ned, dodging flying furniture, "I guess we'll be spending a whole lot-didily of time together now..."

* * *

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Homer as his foot impacted the gas pedal with such force that his right shoe split apart.  
After avoiding several near-death collisions with other cars ("Drive on the right side of the road, jerks!" yelled Homer, who apparently had not grasped the fact that you drove on the left side of the road in Europe.), they crashed through the front doors of the train station and began driving inside.  
"Homer," said Marge, with Maggie clutching her neck in terror as they swerved around people (with the exception of Hans Moleman whom was not spared by Homer's erratic driving), "don't you think we should get out of the car..."  
"And spend a lifetime with Flanders, not on my watch... I'll 'lot- didily time' you!"  
"What?" asked everyone else as they continued evading, and running over, people.  
"Now," said Homer, "we just need to find platform nine and three quarters, and the kids are gone for a whole year!"  
"Homer!" nagged Marge.  
They passed platform nine, and they passed platform ten.  
"Where the heck is it?" asked Homer in frustration, no doubt fearing what would come to pass if he failed. "Maybe it's somewhere between nine and ten and we missed it?"  
He U-turned the car, driving through a few more bystanders, and sped into the archway between platforms.  
"Dad," screamed Lisa, "you're going to hit that-"  
But before she could say, "wall!" the car had passed through the barrier into platform nine and three quarters. Before them stood a scarlet steam engine with _Hogwarts Express_ written on it.  
"It's beautiful!" said Lisa.  
"It's awesome!" said Bart.  
"It's amazing!" said Marge.  
"Wow," said Homer, "it's the answer to every parent's prayers."  
But, no sooner had they uttered those words, than a great puff of steam bellowed from the smoke stack, and the train pulled out of the station.  
"Oh, no you don't!" Homer said, before driving onto the train tracks and racing after it.  
Once they had cleared the station, they veered off the tracks and pulled up beside the train.  
"JUMP!" yelled Homer over the roar of the locomotive to Bart and Lisa.  
"You have got to be kidding!" said Bart in protest.  
"LOT-DIDILY OF TIME!" Homer roared, through clenched teeth.  
Though they had no clue what Homer was referring to, Bart and Lisa took the hint, grabbed their luggage, and made the death-defying leap from a fifty-five mile per hour car, to a sixty mile per hour train. Clutching the Hogwarts Express's side, they opened the door and pulled themselves inside.  
"Goodbye Mom!" called Lisa from the doorway.  
"See-ya Homer!" yelled Bart.  
"Change your underwear everyday and write to us!" Marge shouted from the car. "We love you!"  
"Wait!" shrieked Lisa, "Where's Snowball II?"  
"I got her!" called Homer, ripping Snowball II off his back and throwing her to Lisa, "Have a nice time at prison, I mean, school!"  
Then the pink car of the Simpsons pulled away from the train, and Bart and Lisa pulled the door shut.  
Inside the train, the faint rumble of the wheels on the track could be heard as they went past several compartments that were full. At last, towards the end of the train, they found a compartment with only two boys in it.  
"Do you mind if come in? There doesn't seem to be room anywhere else." said Lisa.  
"Sure." said a boy with untidy, jet black hair and glasses. After stowing their luggage in an overhead compartment, Bart took a seat by the black-haired boy, and Lisa sat down beside a boy with flaming red hair, freckles, and a blotch of dirt on his nose. On their seats an assortment of various candies lay, halfway unwrapped.  
"Did you see that nutter in the pink car?" asked the red haired boy.  
"No, no!" said Lisa, changing the subject, "By the way, I'm Lisa, Lisa Simpson, and this is my brother, Bart."  
"Ron Weasley." said the befreckled boy.  
"Harry Potter." said the boy with glasses, extending his hand to be shaken.  
"Harry Potter?" said Lisa with a look of ecstasy, "I've read about you in at least six books! Can I the, that is if it's OK, the, the scar?"  
"Sure." said Harry, lifting his bangs to reveal the lightning bolt cut.  
"Wait," said Bart, "you're who?"  
"Join the club." said Harry, "Everyone seems to know more about me than I do."  
They shook hands and all began helping themselves to sweets.  
"Ron," said Lisa, "did your Dad pick us up?"  
"I think he did say something about going to the states the other night, come to think of it.  
"I," continued Ron, "was just telling Harry about a spell my brothers told me would turn my rat, Scabbers, yellow. Want to see?"  
At that moment, a girl with bushy brown hair and buck teeth came through the door with a round faced, sobbing boy.  
"Has anyone seen a-" she started to say.  
"We already told him, no." said Ron slightly annoyed.  
"Hey, wait a minute," the brown-haired girl said, "I know who you are, you're Harry Potter! I've read at least-"  
"Six books about him." said Lisa as she finished her sentence.  
"Nice to someone else who's read the course material. I'm Hermione Granger, and this is Neville Longbottom."  
They introduced each other and Ron commenced in attempting a spell, "_Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow_."  
"Is that even a real spell?" asked Lisa and Hermione simultaneously.  
"I loved the standard book of spells." Hermione said.  
"I read it five times." said Lisa matter of factly.  
"Six times."  
"Last night"  
"This morning"  
"I'm two years ahead!"  
At this, they gave each other glares and Hermione said, "Come on Neville, let's check another compartment."  
As soon as they had left, the compartment door slid open again. Three boys entered, one had blonde-white hair, a pointed face, and wore a smirk. The other two were thick as tree trunks and looked like bodyguards.  
"This is Crabbe and this is Goyle, and my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy." Said the pale, blonde-haired boy.  
Ron sniggered at the name.  
"Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford.  
"And you, another easy question; atrocious hair and a nine-year-old, you two must be those mudblood yanks.  
"You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort-"  
However, before Draco had finished his speech on families, Lisa had, with a flick of her wand, shot Scabbers into his face. Draco Malfoy threw Scabbers on to the floor and, clutching a bloody nose, ran out of the compartment with Crabbe and Goyle screaming, "Watch your back, mudbloods!"  
"Thanks. I think we might as well change now, Lisa if you don't mind." said Harry, looking surprised and impressed. Bart, too, felt surprised, he had never thought his sister capable of doing something like that before.  
Lisa went to a neighboring compartment and they all changed into their robes. Eventually the train began to slow and they all got ready to disembark. Lisa rejoined the boys as the slowly climbed off the train and onto the platform of the Hogsmead station.  
"Firs' years! Firs' years over here!" called a booming voice, "All right there Harry?" The voice was coming from a giant man with a mess of hair and a tangled beard. "C'mon, follow me – any more firs' years? Mind yer step, now! Firs' years follow me!"  
"That's Hagrid." Harry told the others.  
Hagrid led them down a path where, across a black lake, a castle's lights could be seen reflected on the surface, "No more'n four to a boat!"  
Harry, Ron, Bart, and Lisa got into a boat and they sped away across the glassy-like surface that reflected the stars. They got off the boats in an underground harbor that seemed to be under the vast castle. They walked up a stone staircase and into an entrance hall. Hagrid knocked on a large door with a fist half the size of a basketball.

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That's all for now, ch 4 might be up in a week or too because I'm very busy with vacations and camps. Reviews are always enjoyed, and don't be afraid to point out any errors in script or plot. Thanks again to thoose who reviewed! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a snitch to catch!


	6. Chapter 4: We Got Potter, And Two Yanks!

Sorry for the EXTREMLY long wait, but in addition to a vactation to Florida, I went to a camp for people with my disease a few days after I returned. Thanks to all those who have reviewed and waited patiently!

Enjoy!

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**CHAPTER 4: WE GOT POTTER, AND TWO YANKS!**

The door swung open and a tall (unless you compared her to Hagrid), green robed witch with black hair stood in front of them. Lisa's first thought was that she was very strict, judging by the look on her face. Bart's first thought was to try to determine any weaknesses in her serious gaze to aid his future class-skipping escapades.

"The firs' years, Professor McGonagall." said Hagrid.

"Thank you, Hagrid," said Professor McGonagall, "I will take them from here."

She pulled open the door and led the first years into an entrance hall. It was a large, high hall with a remarkable marble staircase. After a speech about the four houses to which Bart paid no attention and Lisa was too anxious to remember fully. She then exited the chamber after telling them that she would return to them when the Sorting Ceremony was ready.

"How exactly do they sort us into houses?" Harry asked Ron, who was the only one of them that had been brought up as a wizard.

"Some sort of test, I think. Fred said it hurts a lot, but I think he was joking."

Lisa's brain went into overload. _A test?!? _But she did not know any magic yet! Sure, she had read about spells, but she had never used them. Hermione Granger was a few people to her right in the huddled crowd of eleven-year-olds, and she was whispering about all the spells she had learned. Bart was undoubtedly thinking of someway to cheat on it...

Her thoughts were interrupted as a few people around her screamed. Twenty ghosts had just glided through the back wall! Muttering about someone named "Peeves", the ghost of a fat monk went right through her and a chilling cold dashed down her spine.

"Sorry..." he said, barely noticing her before he did a double take.

"I say," said another ghost in tights with a head that seemed crooked, "what are you all doing here?"

"New students!" the fat Friar said, "About to be Sorted, I suppose?"

Lisa was among one of the very few people who gave nervous nods.

"Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!" the Friar continued, "My old house, you know."

"Move along now," said Professor McGonagall to the ghosts, having returned, "The Sorting Ceremony's about to start."

The ghosts drifted through the doors ahead of them.

"Now form a line and follow me." said Professor McGonagall to the first years.

Professor McGonagall led them to a set of giant doors and into the great hall. It was amazingly large and splendid dining area of grandeur lit by flaming torches on the walls and a thousand floating candles. There were four long tables, covered with empty plates and goblets of gleaming gold, each seating some seventy students at it. Above them was a ceiling that mirrored the dark starry sky, which Lisa and Hermione both knew was "bewitched to look like the night sky" from reading _Hogwarts, A History_. Down on the other end of the hall, against large windows looking out to shadowy grounds and part of the lake, was another table filled with teachers gazing at the new students. In font of that table was a four-legged stool bearing a patched and frayed, pointed wizard hat.

Everyone stared at the hat for a few seconds, then a rip opened up like a mouth and the hat started to sing:

"_Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,_

_But don't judge on what you see,_

_I'll eat myself if you can find_

_A smarter hat than me._

_You can keep your bowlers black,_

_Your top hats sleek and tall,_

_For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_

_And I can cap them all._

_There's nothing hidden in your head_

_The Sorting Hat can't see,_

_So try me on and I will tell you_

_Where you ought to be._

_You might belong in Gryffindor,_

_Where dwell the brave at heart,_

_Their daring, nerve, and chivalry_

_Set Gryffindors apart;_

_You might belong in Hufflepuff,_

_Where they are just and loyal,_

_Those patient Hufflepuffs are true_

_And unafraid of toil;_

_Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,_

_If you've a ready mind,_

_Where those of wit and learning,_

_Will always find their kind;_

Ravenclaw sounded like the type of intellectual forum Lisa had always dreamed about belonging to since MENSA had disbanded in Springfield.

_Or perhaps in Slytherin_

_You'll make your real friends,_

_Those cunning folk use any means_

_To achieve their ends._

Slytherin house seemed pretty good to Bart.

_So put me on! Don't be afraid!_

_And don't get in a flap!_

_You're in safe hands (though I have none)_

_For I'm a Thinking Cap!_

Everyone broke into applause as the hat bowed.

"So we've just got to try on the hat!" Ron whispered to Harry, Bart, and Lisa. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll."

Lisa was relieved at the fact that there wouldn't be a test in front of the whole school, and Bart stopped asking people sitting at the long table for answers to the questions.

Professor McGonagall took a roll of parchment and began calling to students to be sorted, staring with Abbott, Hannah. After the hat had been placed on her, it shouted "HUFFLEPUFF!" and the Hufflepuff table cheered and clapped.

Several Sortings later, Hermione was called. After the hat shouted "GRYFFINDOR!" Ron and Lisa groaned because they had hoping to be in Gryffindor (even despite Lisa's equal urge to be in Ravenclaw).

After more students had tried on the hat, including Malfoy ("SLYTHERIN!" the hat yelled the moment he had put it on), it was Harry's turn. Several people muttered things like, "The Harry Potter?" and all eyes were upon him.

After what seemed like several minutes, the hat shouted "GRYFFINDOR!" at the top of its nonexistent lungs.

Ron's older twin brothers, Fred and George began shouting, "We got Potter! We got Potter!"

There were only five people left to be sorted, the first two them being Bart and Lisa.

"Simpson, Bart!" called Professor McGonagall and Bart made his way to the Sorting Hat, a sickening mix of nerves and wonder churning in his bowels.

A voice in his ear began to speak the moment the large hat went down over his eyes. "So now, young Bart lets see what house you're in..." Bart took a nervous gulp and the hat continued talking. "You've got motives and cunning for Slytherin... ...lazy and the fact that you are an 'underachiever and proud of it' rules you out of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff... ...Yet, believe it or not you have been virtuous on occasion... hmmm... Though you are not exactly of perfect morals, you are far from truly being evil... well then let's see..." Bart's pulse quickened. "GRYFFINDOR!"

Bart joined the table next to a ghost from earlier that was sitting beside Harry to clapping and the shouts of "We've got a Yank! We've got a Yank!" from the Weasley twins.

Now, it was Lisa's turn. Slowly, she walked to the stool after her name was called, full of fear and anticipation. When she put the hat on, she felt embarrassed. She was two years younger than the others were and the hat covered her entire face. She imagined that people must have been laughing now, so small, with the pointy ends of her hair making stalagmite-shaped peaks in the hat.

Then, a voice in her ear began talking. "Ah, let's see... your mind is as bright as a shooting star and as beautiful as a flower... In _any_ house, you could go far, particularly in Ravenclaw... But your courage is mighty for someone so young, so difficult; you are hard to place like your brother... GRYFFINDOR!" it shouted so loud an unexpectantly that Lisa was nearly knocked of the stool.

She took a seat opposite Bart to claps and cheering as the two Weasley twins began franticly whispering to several people around the table.

Ron (whose face was a sickly green by this point) was next to last to be called and strode to the Gryffindor table before collapsing into a chair next to Harry.

After Zabini, Blaise was sorted into Slytherin, McGonagall rolled up the parchment and took the Sorting Hat away.

"Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" cried Dumbledore, the Headmaster which Percy (Ron's other brother at Hogwarts who was older that the twins) had told them about. "...Mad?" said Percy. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes Harry?"

The four looked down and to their surprise, saw that their plates had been filled with food. Bart's mouth watered and Lisa let out a sound whose English equivalent is 'transcendent' ('groin-grabbingly-transcendent' if you ask Homer) as they gazed upon so many delicious dishes: roast beef, roast chicken, pork chops (w/ apple sauce) and lamb chops, sausages, bacon and steak; boiled, roast, and mashed potatoes, fries, Yorkshire pudding, peas, carrots, gravy, ketchup, peppermint humbugs, and to Lisa's delight, tofu.

As everyone began helping themselves to the delectable food, the ghost sitting between Harry and Bart sadly said, "That does look good..."

"Can't you—?" started Lisa.

"I haven't eaten for nearly four hundred years," he said, "I don't need to, of course, but one does miss it. I don't think I've introduced myself? Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington at your service. Resident ghost of Gryffindor Tower."

"I know who you are!" said Ron. "My brothers told me you're Nearly Headless Nick!"

"I would prefer Sir Nicholas—" he began, but Lisa interrupted.

"_Nearly_ Headless? How can you be _nearly_ headless?"

"Like _this_," he said irritably as he grabbed hold of the top of his crooked head and it tilted sideways, held on by a ghostly strip of flesh, revealing a nauseating cross section of his throat. Bart smiled menacingly, thinking of the possibilities.

They talked about their backgrounds over dinner and Lisa was relieved to see that she wasn't the only Muggle-born with no prior knowledge of magic.

As the feast drew to a close, Dumbledore addressed the school again, "Ahem—just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give.

"First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well."

He suspiciously eyed the Weasley twins.

"I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic is to be used between classes in the corridors.

"Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch.

"And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to anyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."

A few people nervously laughed, and Bart's eyes widened.

After the school had discoordinately sung the school song, they all retreated up to the common rooms, as Fred and George led half the Gryffindors in shouting, "We got Potter, and two Yanks! We got Potter, and two Yanks!"

The journey up to Gryffindor Tower was eventful, to the least, the portraits and pictures seemed to be alive, the suits of armor and the staircases moved, and they ran into Peeves, who Bart found very interesting.

At last, they reached a large portrait of a fat woman in a pink silk dress.

"Caput Draconis," said Percy, and the portrait swung open to reveal a narrow passageway. On the other side was the Gryffindor common room, a warm, comforting, round room fully of squashy armchairs and a large fireplace.

Percy led them to their dormitories, were Bart found a circular room with six four-poster beds hung with deep scarlet curtains. Bart, Harry, Ron, Neville, Dean, and Seamus went strait to sleep, half of them not even bothering to change out of their clothes.

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Well, there you go, chapter 4. I had to use alot of exact quotes due to the circumstances, but I was able to tweak things around a bit. "groin-grabingly-transedant" comes from the episode when Homer was a food critic.

Expect the next chapter in about a week, I have time because due to renovations, our school isn't starting until September 20! If it's not here in a week, I'll probably post when it'll be done at the top of my homepage.

Thanks for reading and please review!


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